The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Just a reminder, folks: