“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.