My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
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“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.