Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…