Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
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I had to Stop for this
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*