my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
“Are you ok?”
Never heard of him
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Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Doctor: “Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!”
Kate: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doctor: “No. You have a tapeworm.”
My dad was always captain of the ship when driving. He couldn’t be bothered by nonsense like speed limits and not trying to outrun law enforcement.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
God: They will have a powerful immune system
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice