“Are you ok?”
Never heard of him

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my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town


Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?


“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati


She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?


Doctor: “Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!”

Kate: “I’m pregnant?!”

Doctor: “No. You have a tapeworm.”


My dad was always captain of the ship when driving. He couldn’t be bothered by nonsense like speed limits and not trying to outrun law enforcement.


So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.


No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries


[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice