“Are you ok?”
Never heard of him

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Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”


8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.


I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.


A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.


me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that


I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.


I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.


[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!