@jauntyloki

“Are you ok?”
Never heard of him

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@shutupmikeginn

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

@caperbc75

Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?

@tylerschmall

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

@abbycohenwl

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!”

Kate: “I’m pregnant?!”

Doctor: “No. You have a tapeworm.”

@LostFelicia

My dad was always captain of the ship when driving. He couldn’t be bothered by nonsense like speed limits and not trying to outrun law enforcement.

@3sunzzz

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

@BlindChow

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

@awkwardphilippe

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice