I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
The pen is writier than the sword.
Free him
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Ugh but profoundly
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener