Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
You Might Also Like
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.