“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
(Nailed it)

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You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.


Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.


If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell


CW: It’s gonna get cold!

Me: You’re gonna die.

CW: Excuse me?

Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.


Relationship status: I hide snacks from myself and get mad when I can’t find them.


wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no


an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don’t act like some big science guy


Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something