“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
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*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …