@AudreyPorne

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

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@darrinfb

You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

@WilliamAder

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

@theshamingofjay

If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell

@TheMichaelRock

CW: It’s gonna get cold!

Me: You’re gonna die.

CW: Excuse me?

Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.

@Kryzazy

Relationship status: I hide snacks from myself and get mad when I can’t find them.

@CornOnTheGoblin

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

@G_Faylor

an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don’t act like some big science guy

@dumbbeezie

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something