You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
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Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose
“You shall not make for yourself an idol”
That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell
CW: It’s gonna get cold!
Me: You’re gonna die.
CW: Excuse me?
Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.
Relationship status: I hide snacks from myself and get mad when I can’t find them.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don’t act like some big science guy
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something