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Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.