me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
me: *quiet mumbling*
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
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boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
Give me that! You’re going to hurt yourself!
*hurts self with toy
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Cell division, explained: