@iscoff: "Are you pro gay?" he asked. "Amateur at best," I replied
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@PhriendlyCody: [stabucks] barista: can i get a name? me: sure. you look like a Tiffany barista: no i mean a name for the order me: oh! we'll call this "coffee from Tiffany"
@shadygeekdad: DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you. ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!
@weinerdog4life: I'm not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
@DiscoFruit: me: *lights cig* do u smoke? girl: no, cigarettes killed my father me: oh, cancer..? her: no, an army of them, gunned him down me: wait what