“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
You Might Also Like
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
😂😂😂
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
O Wise One….
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Meow
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again