@iscoff

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

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@Browtweaten

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

@meganamram

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

@teenpuke

*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*

@ThaJawn

Give me that! You’re going to hurt yourself!

*takes toy
*hurts self with toy

4: Hahahaha

@PaulyPeligroso

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

@Cavalorn

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

@stardazingxo

mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again

@ramblinma

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.