“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
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Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Straight people are cancelled
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
There’s always that one guy
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…