“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.


Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates


Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.


[at gym]

*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up

Phew! Good workout!



wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there


Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?


when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.


Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors


*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*


*underlines it*


Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself