@Whatevah_Amy

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

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@KentWGraham

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

@KimmyMonte

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

@ClichedOut

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[at gym]

*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up

Phew! Good workout!

*leaves

@badboychadhoy

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

@causticbob

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

@danadonly

when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.

@BigJDubz

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

@ParasiteHilton

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

@MarfSalvador

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself