“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect