February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
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If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
welp
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
The first matador
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.