Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”