@bouncerface

Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.

You Might Also Like

@DumbConfessions

Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.

*pops jean jacket collar*

I got marmalaid.

@pinupteacher

[blind date]

“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”

*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.

@bonesher

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

@Skoog

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

@tweetsvisual

I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.

@roxiqt

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

@tweetsbyrocket

me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

@FrazzleMyGimp

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.