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@bouncerface: Are you serious? It's hard to tell because of all the botox.
@TheAlexP: *brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
@brandynwiththey: Facebook account for sale, friends included.
@just1fool: Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that's only after I've eaten Mexican food.
@AverageCorners: "Grab a Pop Tart!" I tell my kids as I'm mixing up the dogs' breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.
@ImHopel3ss: Somewhere, someplace, there's a hole in the world & inside it there's a bunch of gremlins hoarding the 50,000 lighters I can't find.