Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
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“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
no!! no!!!!!!
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Coffee for people with no kids
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot