Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.
*pops jean jacket collar*
I got marmalaid.
Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.
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“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”
*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.
I whispered to the wind, and the wind told me to shut up.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
me getting out of time machine i did it
wife did what
me i killed the guy who invented punctuation
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
If spiders ever figure out how to become ghosts, we’re screwed.