[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!