-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

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My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”


Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”


People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.


People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”


Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.


“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee


I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field


Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.


*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.


Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.