-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg


I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet


[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]



if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?


Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one


I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life


Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though