But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.