Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”