“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.