Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
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The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence