@TheCatWhisprer

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

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@1followernodad

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

@KenJennings

If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I’d spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.

@juliussharpe

The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.

@Jennarater

I’m only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers

@thehedrk

One good thing about the coronavirus is that the hand soap I bought because it was the only kind left is the greatest soap I have ever used and now my hands are baby soft and smell like vanilla

@MarkAgee

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

@FrazzleMyGimp

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

@HallowedCrow

DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.