Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
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I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Thursday
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.