@TheAdly

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

You Might Also Like

@iamspacegirl

And Grandmother, what a big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*

@Cherry_Row

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

@Parkerlawyer

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

@oakhillbargrill

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

@XOperfectmessXO

I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away

@envydatropic

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

@TheDeadfishSays

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

@CantWaitToNap

It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.

@danwlin

12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient