– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

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And Grandmother, what a big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.


I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.


Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.



I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away


I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit


I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.


It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.


12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient