– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
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This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?