“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Flock of bats
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.