@NicestHippo

“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
Yeah, why?
“He pronounced sue like sway”

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@Thynebear

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

@shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

@robfee

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

@SteveMartinToGo

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

@ibid78

[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”

@Donnie_Fairburn

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

@LlamaInaTux

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

@InternetHippo

[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!

[my brain]: How do cows make cheese