In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure