[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
“He pronounced sue like sway”
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Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Never under estimate the value of stretching…the truth.
[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!
[my brain]: How do cows make cheese