Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
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COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
dads on road-trips be like
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink