[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*
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I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.
What 2020 has taught me so far :
This year has 5380361 days
Spaghetti is even more delicious fried
Having a pet tiger is more efficient than divorce
People that are staying fit and cleaning their houses are not my people
Don’t eat bats 🦇
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Me: what are ya in for?
Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick