@murrman5

are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*

You Might Also Like

@matt___nelson

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

@realHamOnWry

I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.

@antheanton

What 2020 has taught me so far :

This year has 5380361 days
Spaghetti is even more delicious fried
Having a pet tiger is more efficient than divorce
People that are staying fit and cleaning their houses are not my people
Don’t eat bats 🦇

@WildeThingy

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

@psybermonkey

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

@climaxximus

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

@KlMBERLY_

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

@Reverend_Scott

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick