No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
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MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I’m about to risk it all
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?