Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.