are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
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*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.