Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up