Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
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If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.