So much wasted time in public school, as an adult I’ve never used cursive, done algebra, or had to remember anything from sex ed.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
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Social media explained.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
You’re on my hair
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*