@OrangeFact

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

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@TheTweetOfGod

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

@Jamberee13

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

@3sunzzz

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

@Parentpains

Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.

@trevso_electric

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

@flashember

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

@PimpleEye

You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.

@wchoughton

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.