Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
We’ve all been there
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
How about daylight saves us for once
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge