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@OrangeFact: Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
@AdamUrbane: Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head? Lice. Lice, maybe.
@TheBoydP: I'd rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink...
@notacroc: Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
@RedemptionAJ: Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I'm trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?
@MauriceBlitz: My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.