Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

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When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.


If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.


My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.


Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.


If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.


Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”


You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.


Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.