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Ruin it with Sex™
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The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Carpe DM
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out