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me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit


whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)


me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken


Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”


As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.


ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm


Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.

GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!


Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.


[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy