me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
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whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.
GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
son: she’s too heavy