@MissMalbec

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

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@economybacon

“My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat..”

Um, don’t you mean “Lava”?

“…like warm hill pee”

@shawnspree

It’s not sex until you walk away with a nose bleed, and the Eye Of The Tiger song is still playing in your head.

@Sassafrantz

I THINK
[boyfriend goes by]
YOU’RE TOO
[boyfriend goes by]
YOUNG FOR ME
[boyfriend goes by]

-me breaking up w/ my boyfriend at the carousel

@palokin

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

@HanukkahKandle

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last..
Dad:Hey hun
Mom:Yes?
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: 45
Dad:theres your answer kid

@LibyaLiberty

“So,why r all Arabs terrorists?”
‘All?’
“Well,most.”
‘There’s 369,243,763 Arabs.If they were mostly terrorists,you’d be dead’
#ArabInAmerica

@TheHyyyype

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

@iamspacegirl

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?