– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Confused owl: What?!
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.