– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.