Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too