Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.
Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?
Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours
Cop: get outta here
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
God: “haha, alright man”
I’m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is