“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
You Might Also Like
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.