You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
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Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.