Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?
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Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.
Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn’t know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I told a deer joke once. It was very fawny.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.