@SoldHerSoul

Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?

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@TragicAllyHere

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

@Sarcasticsapien

If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.

@RollAroundSue

Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn’t know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou

@mostly_cheese

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

@CodyJP9412

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.