Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
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BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.