Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

You Might Also Like


“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”

– Me with Thin Mints, and women.


My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.


Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?


Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.


[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens


My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.


[Opening questions in a murder trial]

DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?




Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies