“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”
– Me with Thin Mints, and women.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
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My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[Opening questions in a murder trial]
DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?
KILLER WHALE: Yes.
DP: I REST MY CASE
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies