@RickAaron

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

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@Go2Slp

“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”

– Me with Thin Mints, and women.

@JohnLyonTweets

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

@namelesstv

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

@PlainTravis

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

@flashember

[Opening questions in a murder trial]

DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?

KILLER WHALE: Yes.

DP: I REST MY CASE

@briangaar

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies