*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
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When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
damn he’s good
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.