@Chhapiness

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

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@ozzyunc

Writing a movie about a secret agent alcoholic shrimp. I call it Beers Prawnson.

@stephenjmolloy

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

@robfee

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

@mc_funbags

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

@SondraDeeMe

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

@reallifemommy3

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

@ch000ch

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

@2tickytacky

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

@FailShark

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

@Lowenaffchen

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work