Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it