@TheOnion

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

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@TidBox

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

@TravLeBlanc

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

@LeonInNewJersey

I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.

She really caught my Fancy.

@PhilJamesson

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

@rcromwell4

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

@NicCageMatch

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

@robdelaney

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.