@TheOnion

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

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@Darlainky

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

@VicFuture

Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.

@LostFelicia

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

@AmericanGent69

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

@BitchyJasmine

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.

@Vodkantots

The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.