THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Everyone’s family
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I was bored.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.