@TheOnion

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

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@The_Sculptress

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

@Mardigroan

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

@withanewname

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

@velvettusk

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

@SamuelHLowe

I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.

@GriffonTaylonYo

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

@KimmyMonte

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

@astutenewf

Whenever I’m behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte

@hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him