Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
What a chick magnet..
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.