@TheOnion: Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
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@MunkMania: HIM: What are you doing? ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can't trust the banks you know. HIM: How much is in there? ME: $5.40
@DaddyJew: Cop: license and registration Me: that won't be necessary officer *places a glazed donut in his pocket
@OfficialMizGin: Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend? Me: No, it’s for me. Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
@StevenKJohnson: Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.