The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
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Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread
that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Whenever I’m behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him