Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
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[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Social Media and Real life
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.