Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

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Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?


My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.


Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes


Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.


Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.


[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already


A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave


If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.


ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.


If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.