@mjkspeaks

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

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@OuterJohn

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

@junkyardigan

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

@OhHiAlyPie

“I just really need a good man to fill the hole”
*100 men come running up
“In my heart.”
*100 men run away

@djdarrellripley

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

@GrantTanaka

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

@chuuew

DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]

@PleaseBeGneiss

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

@brianbowman73

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

@SvnSxty

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

@roostermustache

[in catholic church]

Me: can i make a confession

Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU