I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“I just really need a good man to fill the hole”
*100 men come running up
“In my heart.”
*100 men run away
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[in catholic church]
Me: can i make a confession
Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU