[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Legend 🤣🤣
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.