@mjkspeaks

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

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@cigarin

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

@ThisOneSayz

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

@ScaryMommy

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

@meganamram

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

@Big_Cat74

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

@AmericanGent69

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

@iscoff

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

@wheresthesnacks

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

@Lexactly

Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying “Cute doggie” and realizing it’s their kid