Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
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[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Some people were born into their job.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit